I would like to wish everyone a very merry Christmas, with hopes of much catnip and tuna for all! My hoomins have been very busy wrapping boxes in wrapping paper. This time tomorrow I will be joyfully ripping, shredding, and tearing apart their strange colored papers and dragging them under the bed.
In the meantime, while I await the great celebrations, I have compiled a list of Christmas movies everyone should see.
The Bishop's Wife (1947): A bishop trying to get a new cathedral built prays for guidance. It arrives in the form of an angel played by Carey Grant, but the guidance he has come to provide is not about the cathedral. This is a great movie. Carey Grant and David Niven are both really good actors, and the message never gets old: remember the big picture! It's a classic, like The Ghost and Mrs. Muir, Harvey, or Arsenic and Old Lace.
The Christmas Tree (1996): This one was made for TV. I don't usually expect movies made for TV to be very good, but I am quite fond of this one. Julie Harris plays a nun who's very attached to a particular tree. She forms a friendship with Rockefeller Center's head gardener... and I won't give the rest away.
Ernest Saves Christmas (1988): Because it's very IBO. For those of you wondering what IBO means, it stands for "International Bogart Organization," as in Humphrey Bogart. I shall provide no further explanation on the matter.
White Christmas (1954): This movie will teach you to count your blessings instead of sheep when you can't sleep. Also the scene with Danny Kaye and Bing Crosby singing "Sisters, Sisters" has to be one of the all-time funniest scenes ever.
Scrooged (1988): Bill Murray plays a cynical, scroogy TV executive who hates everyone and has no soul. He's visited by the Christmas ghosts in this retelling of Scrooge. Very funny.
Other honorable mentions: National Lampoon's Christmas Vacation, Miracle on 34th St, A Charlie Brown Christmas, Die Hard, and Ghostbusters II.
Thursday, December 24, 2009
Wednesday, August 26, 2009
A Sad Day
It's a Sad Day for America!
An interesting and intelligent hoomin has passed on. Senator Edward Kennedy wanted every single American to have access to healthcare. In my humble opinion, that's a noble goal. Healthcare shouldn't be something that you buy; it should be a feline right - and a hoomin right. The sad thing is that silly, mentally challenged Repubicans and moneygrabbing Democrats don't want everyone to have healthcare. They claim that if the government gets involved in healthcare, America will become a socialist nation!
As if, all of a sudden, hoardes of Marxist cats will march down the streets, yowling about communism and taking away the rich people's moneys. Well, that's not what would happen. Spain and France have free healthcare for all, and everyone is most happy. The UK and Canada have national healthcare systems, and everyone is most happy, except about the fact that there's not enough doctors and the wait lists are too long.. but I, the magnificently wise Dr. Jones, will let you in on a little secret. Do you know why there aren't enough doctors and the wait lists are too long? It's because greedy little medical students leave those countries and move to the US, because they know that if they become doctors in the US, they'll make much more moneys.
It's a sad thing indeed. The hoomins lack the hoomanity to provide healthcare to those who need it most. The poor, who cannot afford healthcare, also cannot afford to go to the gym and eat healthy salads and buy vitamin supplements. As a result, the poor get sick. When the poor get sick, they spread epidemics and disease to the rich people, or they have heart attacks and end up in hospital costing the rich people money. Does that sound like an effective system? I think NOT! What's more, don't hoomins care about the offspring of the poor? You can blame poor hoomins for not getting an education, for spending their money on stupid things, for not working hard enough, for getting knocked up and having babies they couldn't afford - but you can't blame the babies. How dare the hoomin race ignore those babies and children? Will helping them really turn us all into raving commies? I think NOT!
The entire concept of "insurance" for health is retarded! Retarded, I tells you. Hoomins (and cats) get sick. It's unavoidable and it's part of being a living organism. We live in a world surrounded by germs, bacteria, viruses, and fungi; the sun gives us cancer, our fingers get chopped off at factories, when we get old we get pneumonia, some of us are born with heart conditions, our genes give us sickle cell disease and Huntington's, we get run over by drunk drivers, we get worms from other cats or from other kids at school. To put it simply, shit happens. It really does.
Therefore the idea of a healthcare system run by insurance companies hoping you WON'T get sick and doing everything they can to deny you your right to treatment when you actually DO get sick makes no sense at all. Just as hoomins should all have the right to free education, hoomins and animals should all have the right to free healthcare. This is the government's JOB. If not, then what is the government's job? What do Repubicans really believe the government is FOR? To delegate spending on wars? To monitor people's phone calls? To spend money on secret trips to Argentina?
I think perhaps it might make more sense for the government to concentrate on making people's lives a little better.
An interesting and intelligent hoomin has passed on. Senator Edward Kennedy wanted every single American to have access to healthcare. In my humble opinion, that's a noble goal. Healthcare shouldn't be something that you buy; it should be a feline right - and a hoomin right. The sad thing is that silly, mentally challenged Repubicans and moneygrabbing Democrats don't want everyone to have healthcare. They claim that if the government gets involved in healthcare, America will become a socialist nation!
As if, all of a sudden, hoardes of Marxist cats will march down the streets, yowling about communism and taking away the rich people's moneys. Well, that's not what would happen. Spain and France have free healthcare for all, and everyone is most happy. The UK and Canada have national healthcare systems, and everyone is most happy, except about the fact that there's not enough doctors and the wait lists are too long.. but I, the magnificently wise Dr. Jones, will let you in on a little secret. Do you know why there aren't enough doctors and the wait lists are too long? It's because greedy little medical students leave those countries and move to the US, because they know that if they become doctors in the US, they'll make much more moneys.
It's a sad thing indeed. The hoomins lack the hoomanity to provide healthcare to those who need it most. The poor, who cannot afford healthcare, also cannot afford to go to the gym and eat healthy salads and buy vitamin supplements. As a result, the poor get sick. When the poor get sick, they spread epidemics and disease to the rich people, or they have heart attacks and end up in hospital costing the rich people money. Does that sound like an effective system? I think NOT! What's more, don't hoomins care about the offspring of the poor? You can blame poor hoomins for not getting an education, for spending their money on stupid things, for not working hard enough, for getting knocked up and having babies they couldn't afford - but you can't blame the babies. How dare the hoomin race ignore those babies and children? Will helping them really turn us all into raving commies? I think NOT!
The entire concept of "insurance" for health is retarded! Retarded, I tells you. Hoomins (and cats) get sick. It's unavoidable and it's part of being a living organism. We live in a world surrounded by germs, bacteria, viruses, and fungi; the sun gives us cancer, our fingers get chopped off at factories, when we get old we get pneumonia, some of us are born with heart conditions, our genes give us sickle cell disease and Huntington's, we get run over by drunk drivers, we get worms from other cats or from other kids at school. To put it simply, shit happens. It really does.
Therefore the idea of a healthcare system run by insurance companies hoping you WON'T get sick and doing everything they can to deny you your right to treatment when you actually DO get sick makes no sense at all. Just as hoomins should all have the right to free education, hoomins and animals should all have the right to free healthcare. This is the government's JOB. If not, then what is the government's job? What do Repubicans really believe the government is FOR? To delegate spending on wars? To monitor people's phone calls? To spend money on secret trips to Argentina?
I think perhaps it might make more sense for the government to concentrate on making people's lives a little better.
Sunday, May 10, 2009
FEET
Shoes!
(Magnificent Me, attacking shoes!!)
I find them completely unnecessary, but then, my paws are far superior than the hoomin flesh-blobs called feet. I understand that hoomins' feet are rather delicate (in other words, useless - they don't even have claws!) and it makes sense for them to wear "sneakers" when climbing mountains, walking on hot desert sand, or running marathons. But the female Homo sapiens sapiens use special shoes that do not protect their feet, but instead deform their feet; do not help them to run, but actually make them slower. These strange female foot-boxes include platform boots and high heels.
I first decided to investigate hoomin shoes when my tail was rudely crushed by one. On subsequent occasions, my paws have been squished, and my herd of ants have been destroyed, all at the hands (or should I say feet?) of SHOES!
I began asking myself questions about the nature of female Homo sapiens sapiens,
such as:
Why do women flock in mad stampedes to shoe sales?
Why do women spend all their money on shoes?
Why do women watch television shows about buying shoes?
The answer to all these questions and many more seems to be that women believe that if their shoes are pretty enough, all their problems will disappear. I'm not sure who is to blame for this misguided notion but it's possible that the Wizard of Oz has something to do with it. After all, this fascination with foot decorations has only evolved recently. 4,000 years ago, the first shoes were made of a single piece of rawhide that enveloped the foot for both warmth and protection. Now that sounds practical to me. It wasn't until the 18th century, 3,700 years later, that women's shoes were different from men's.
After many hours of research I stumbled upon this fact: "The average increase in the protrusion of a woman's buttocks is 25% when she wears high heels." So there it is! It all comes down to bizarre human mating rituals.
But there are more than 300 foot ailments that affect hoominkind. Some caused by high heels are: bunions, arthritis, hammertoes, neuromas, ingrown toenails, corns, calluses, and stress fractures. In fact, podiastrists (foot doctors! Can you believe hoomins have doctors just for their feet?) often comment that 75% of their business is caused by females wearing tall high heel shoes. It's not just doctors getting rich from hoomins and their silly shoes. A single pair of high heels costs anywhere from $20 to $200, enough to feed a homeless kitten or even a homeless hoomin child. But feeding and looking after hoomin children must not be a priority, because as it turns out many high heels are assembled in factories by hoomin child-slaves forced to work for hours on end!
The leather from many high heels comes from real animal skin, so in order to wear posh shoes a defenceless animal has to be slaughtered and then skinned (how undignified and cruel!). When they are not made of leather, heels and platform shoes might be made out of plastic, which is one of the major toxic pollutants of our time. In fact, some of the things hoomins use to make plastic in the first place, like benzene and vynil chloride, are known to cause cancer. And while shoes made out of plastic are assembled in factories, one after the other, to satiate desperate housewives all over the world, noxious substances are emitted, like ethylene oxide and xylenes, which can cause birth defects, damage to the nervous system, the immune system, and the kidneys.
So I ask hoomins to reconsider the importance of shoes. Your blobby feet will never be as brilliant as my feline paws, nomatter what you put on them. You must simply accept that!
Sunday, April 26, 2009
Medical matters
HELLO AGAIN!
It's me. Yes, I'm finally back. I have returned from my intellectual marathon. In my last entry I informed you all about my first experiences in this world. Today's blog posting will be about my SECOND experiences.
My hoomins have been watching the news and I overheard the hullabaloo about this flu. Apparently it's a combination of pig and bird flu (HAH! Take that, you foul avians). The good thing is that it doesn't affect us noble felines. Still, it all reminded me of my first trip to the vet. Now, I know most of you probably understand that veterinarians are merchants of terror & torture, removers of testicles and ovaries, injectors, tooth-yankers and generally evil beings. But SUPPOSEDLY they keep us alive and healthy.
Needless to say when I arrived at the vet I was terrified and disgusted. The smell of Pittbull urine hung cloyingly in the air, drifting into my catbox. Thermometers were stuck up my butt and metal instruments shoved into my ears. It was all quite humiliating. The vet informed my hoomins that I was infested with fleas and other such parasites and that the best thing to do would be to give me Revolution, a brand new flea medicine safe for use in kittens as miniature as I was.
I had my doubts from the beginning but my hoomins thought it was safe and as soon as we got back home they emptied the inocuous little vial on my neck. The searing pain! Well I yowled and shivered but they didn't seem to notice (hoomins are, by nature, a little dim, so I have forgiven mine for their slowness). Soon after, I had to poop and puke, A LOT. In fact, so much that I lost most of my newly grown muscle mass and all the liquids inside me. I made valiant attempts to keep playing with my strings and balls and tail, but eventually I could no longer go on. I stared up at my hoomins and hoped they would realize I was in grave danger.
The veterinarians poked needles in me and gave me drugs to stop my body from desiccating. The end result is that I very nearly ceased to exist. I don't blame my hoomins and, surprisingly, I don't even blame those merchants of terror & torture, the veterinarians. I blame Revolution (selamectin) and the company that makes it, Pfizer.
THE RANT:
Without the myriad of drugs that are available today, millions of my feline comrades and our hoomins might all die. Vaccines save countless lives and no, they do not give people autism or brain clouds. But at the same time, pharmaceutical companies are motivated by one thing: profit. We put our health in the hands of CEOs who make billions of dollars a year (The CEO of Pfizer used to be a corporate executive for McDonald's. Last year, he got a $3,000,000 bonus). These companies test their products on starving, dying people in Africa and on helpless animals. It is only a matter of time before we are ALL their guinea pigs. One of the most depressing possibilities is that the next big pandemic might not be a product of natural selection and evolution, but rather, instead, a product of the pharmaceutical industries.
On a lighter note, my next blog entry will be about one species' pathetic obsession with shoes, and why this obsession will probably bring about their eventual downfall!
It's me. Yes, I'm finally back. I have returned from my intellectual marathon. In my last entry I informed you all about my first experiences in this world. Today's blog posting will be about my SECOND experiences.
My hoomins have been watching the news and I overheard the hullabaloo about this flu. Apparently it's a combination of pig and bird flu (HAH! Take that, you foul avians). The good thing is that it doesn't affect us noble felines. Still, it all reminded me of my first trip to the vet. Now, I know most of you probably understand that veterinarians are merchants of terror & torture, removers of testicles and ovaries, injectors, tooth-yankers and generally evil beings. But SUPPOSEDLY they keep us alive and healthy.
Needless to say when I arrived at the vet I was terrified and disgusted. The smell of Pittbull urine hung cloyingly in the air, drifting into my catbox. Thermometers were stuck up my butt and metal instruments shoved into my ears. It was all quite humiliating. The vet informed my hoomins that I was infested with fleas and other such parasites and that the best thing to do would be to give me Revolution, a brand new flea medicine safe for use in kittens as miniature as I was.
I had my doubts from the beginning but my hoomins thought it was safe and as soon as we got back home they emptied the inocuous little vial on my neck. The searing pain! Well I yowled and shivered but they didn't seem to notice (hoomins are, by nature, a little dim, so I have forgiven mine for their slowness). Soon after, I had to poop and puke, A LOT. In fact, so much that I lost most of my newly grown muscle mass and all the liquids inside me. I made valiant attempts to keep playing with my strings and balls and tail, but eventually I could no longer go on. I stared up at my hoomins and hoped they would realize I was in grave danger.
The veterinarians poked needles in me and gave me drugs to stop my body from desiccating. The end result is that I very nearly ceased to exist. I don't blame my hoomins and, surprisingly, I don't even blame those merchants of terror & torture, the veterinarians. I blame Revolution (selamectin) and the company that makes it, Pfizer.
THE RANT:
Without the myriad of drugs that are available today, millions of my feline comrades and our hoomins might all die. Vaccines save countless lives and no, they do not give people autism or brain clouds. But at the same time, pharmaceutical companies are motivated by one thing: profit. We put our health in the hands of CEOs who make billions of dollars a year (The CEO of Pfizer used to be a corporate executive for McDonald's. Last year, he got a $3,000,000 bonus). These companies test their products on starving, dying people in Africa and on helpless animals. It is only a matter of time before we are ALL their guinea pigs. One of the most depressing possibilities is that the next big pandemic might not be a product of natural selection and evolution, but rather, instead, a product of the pharmaceutical industries.
On a lighter note, my next blog entry will be about one species' pathetic obsession with shoes, and why this obsession will probably bring about their eventual downfall!
Monday, February 2, 2009
Saturday, January 31, 2009
Inbetween attacking shoe laces and sentry duty on the window I have taken some time out to blog!
After introducing myself the other day, I know you all must want to know more about me, magnificent Jones. So here it is: The Origins. Not quite the day I was born, because I can't remember that, but as-soon-after-I-was-born-as-I-can-recall. My very first experiences with this strange and stringy world.
Those fleshblobs called hoomins did not make a good impression on me. In fact, one of them separated me from my mother and left me all alone, to fend for myself. Nobody had taught me any fending yet, though, so instead I curled up into a ball and waited. And waited. And waited. I had to wait a really long time before anything happened, and every second that went by my stomach rumbled louder and louder. It must have been the rumbling that attracted the attention of different hoomins: the tuna-god hoomins! Well they picked me up off the ground and dropped me on a plate of tuna.
After introducing myself the other day, I know you all must want to know more about me, magnificent Jones. So here it is: The Origins. Not quite the day I was born, because I can't remember that, but as-soon-after-I-was-born-as-I-can-recall. My very first experiences with this strange and stringy world.
Those fleshblobs called hoomins did not make a good impression on me. In fact, one of them separated me from my mother and left me all alone, to fend for myself. Nobody had taught me any fending yet, though, so instead I curled up into a ball and waited. And waited. And waited. I had to wait a really long time before anything happened, and every second that went by my stomach rumbled louder and louder. It must have been the rumbling that attracted the attention of different hoomins: the tuna-god hoomins! Well they picked me up off the ground and dropped me on a plate of tuna.
I learned that day that most hoomins are mean and evil, but a few are alright, (albeit unpredictable). After I had finished my first, giant meal, I wanted to show these new hoomin folk my appreciation, but they left me in a bathtub, which is where I spent my first night. The cold steel of the veterinarian's table always reminds me of that terrifying, lonely night, with the stillness punctuated by occasional blasts of noise from the nearby flushing toilet. These early days toughened me up considerably though. I present to you Exhibit B: "Give me more tuna or I will rip it from your belly!!".
I know, I know, even at such a young age I was already showing my fearless sense of determination! But we shall speak more of my fearlessness in my next post, which will be all about my first trip to the veterinarian and the horrifying anaphylactic reaction that ensued.
*Daily Rant: I was watching the news just now when I heard about the hoomin who had 8 babies despite already having 6 kids. I'm a little miffed about this; I didn't really get to have a mom and I might have died all alone if it weren't for the tuna-god hoomins that rescued me. I know many of my fellow felines have already been born into the world with no home and no food, and there's just as many hoomin babies with similar plights.
I mean, did you know that 75% of all cats entering shelters are euthanized? Or that on any given night in the US, there's 1.35 million homeless children?
Should hoomins really be allowed then to squeeze out as many mini-hoomins as they want into this already overpopulated world? Eventually, all the tuna is going to run out, and mothers-of-octuplets will most definitely be partly to blame.
Thursday, January 29, 2009
OH HAI!
You're probably pondering how someone so small could be a called 'doctor', am I right?... Well much like anyone with half a brain by now knows that Dr.Phil isn't really a freaking bonafide licensed anything (except maybe licensed to con, ha) and that knuckle-head 'Dr.Dennis Leary' went ahead with the title for his (hilarious) new book. I figured what the heck! let's kick it up a notch and a half and put 'DOC' up there with my already medically inclined name, as in 'jonesing' for more cat nip... no? how about if I told you that I'm a big Indiana Jones fan then?
ok, forget it! it's not important. I must digress anyway...
This is my first blog entry! welcome!
This is my first blog entry! welcome!
I guess I should clarify a few things before I start ranting off like a parrot on redbull! I'm not here to help you help yourself help ME make a bajillion dollars a week or to do my own re-interpretation of late comedian Bill Hicks for the new generation...
no, no, I am here to brag and show off my awe-inspiring cat-coolness!! I'll post about things that tick me off and anything that might happen to come up along the years ahead to, sort of commemorate the good times, the bad times and the ugly times for me and my two lucky hoomin slaves!
Ride along the Jones Express and journey through the hairball mined carpets, the treacherous turd-shark infested kitty litter and the elusive yet all too familiar stalking tail (tails?) that haunt my meowgnificent nine lives, well okay, seven and a half by now (I was born in the streets), but that's for another post ...In the meantime just bask in my all incredibly hypnotizing cute pictures of, you guessed it....me, me
wonderful me!
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
