FEET

Shoes!

(Magnificent Me, attacking shoes!!)

I find them completely unnecessary, but then, my paws are far superior than the hoomin flesh-blobs called feet. I understand that hoomins' feet are rather delicate (in other words, useless - they don't even have claws!) and it makes sense for them to wear "sneakers" when climbing mountains, walking on hot desert sand, or running marathons. But the female Homo sapiens sapiens use special shoes that do not protect their feet, but instead deform their feet; do not help them to run, but actually make them slower. These strange female foot-boxes include platform boots and high heels.

I first decided to investigate hoomin shoes when my tail was rudely crushed by one. On subsequent occasions, my paws have been squished, and my herd of ants have been destroyed, all at the hands (or should I say feet?) of SHOES!

I began asking myself questions about the nature of female Homo sapiens sapiens,
such as:
Why do women flock in mad stampedes to shoe sales?

Why do women spend all their money on shoes?

Why do women watch television shows about buying shoes?

The answer to all these questions and many more seems to be that women believe that if their shoes are pretty enough, all their problems will disappear. I'm not sure who is to blame for this misguided notion but it's possible that the Wizard of Oz has something to do with it. After all, this fascination with foot decorations has only evolved recently. 4,000 years ago, the first shoes were made of a single piece of rawhide that enveloped the foot for both warmth and protection. Now that sounds practical to me. It wasn't until the 18th century, 3,700 years later, that women's shoes were different from men's.

After many hours of research I stumbled upon this fact: "The average increase in the protrusion of a woman's buttocks is 25% when she wears high heels." So there it is! It all comes down to bizarre human mating rituals.

But there are more than 300 foot ailments that affect hoominkind. Some caused by high heels are: bunions, arthritis, hammertoes, neuromas, ingrown toenails, corns, calluses, and stress fractures. In fact, podiastrists (foot doctors! Can you believe hoomins have doctors just for their feet?) often comment that 75% of their business is caused by females wearing tall high heel shoes. It's not just doctors getting rich from hoomins and their silly shoes. A single pair of high heels costs anywhere from $20 to $200, enough to feed a homeless kitten or even a homeless hoomin child. But feeding and looking after hoomin children must not be a priority, because as it turns out many high heels are assembled in factories by hoomin child-slaves forced to work for hours on end!

The leather from many high heels comes from real animal skin, so in order to wear posh shoes a defenceless animal has to be slaughtered and then skinned (how undignified and cruel!). When they are not made of leather, heels and platform shoes might be made out of plastic, which is one of the major toxic pollutants of our time. In fact, some of the things hoomins use to make plastic in the first place, like benzene and vynil chloride, are known to cause cancer. And while shoes made out of plastic are assembled in factories, one after the other, to satiate desperate housewives all over the world, noxious substances are emitted, like ethylene oxide and xylenes, which can cause birth defects, damage to the nervous system, the immune system, and the kidneys.

So I ask hoomins to reconsider the importance of shoes. Your blobby feet will never be as brilliant as my feline paws, nomatter what you put on them. You must simply accept that!